


the copy of gender trouble by judith butler kept in kanaya maryam's glove compartment

by cryptozoid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21816760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptozoid/pseuds/cryptozoid
Summary: roxy with kanaya at the pharmacythey do be picking up her estrogen
Relationships: Roxy Lalonde & Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	the copy of gender trouble by judith butler kept in kanaya maryam's glove compartment

**Author's Note:**

> tw: brief mentions of past alcoholism, gender dysphoria talk

SLAM

ROXY: FUCK

Before you can fully register the situation, you’re awake. You blink to adjust slowly and you’re sitting up, visually assaulted by the amount of light there is to take in at once. The almost overwhelming amount of natural light this room was designed to capture is an unpleasant sloppy morning kiss every time you wake up. And the placement of the front door directly behind the couch was a bold one. Really fucking bold in fact. 

Though you can’t bring yourself to complain further, because the imposition of your very being here is enough without giving your sister and her wife home improvement tips. You’re not Tim Allen for god's sake, leave it to a professional.

ROXY: rose? 

KANAYA: She Just Left For Work  
KANAYA: Hence The Slam

You’re sitting up and running a hand through your hair, now self conscious about the state of it. But then you remember you shaved half of it off last week, and that didn’t leave a whole lot to be self conscious about. It’s sort of muscle memory to be unsure of your looks. 

ROXY: aw didnt get to say good morning  
ROXY: i guess youre second best  
ROXY: good morning kan  


KANAYA: Good Morning Roxy I Hope You Slept Well  


ROXY: yeah fine! im a couch dude through and through  
ROXY: im surprised you didnt wake me up sooner  


KANAYA: Our Morning Routine Is Generally Quiet  
KANAYA: And Mostly In Our Bedroom  


ROXY: >:)  


KANAYA: Not Like That  


ROXY >:))  


KANAYA: A Little Like That  
KANAYA: Anyways We Try To Keep Generally Quiet When Were Out Here  
KANAYA: You Often Look Tired  


ROXY: i get that a lot  
ROXY: i think i just have resting tired face or smth idk

She’s already poured you a cup of coffee and you hop up to sit on the counter, appeasing the juvenile delinquent that Ratatouille style controls your every move. 

KANAYA: Im Leaving To Run Errands Soon  
KANAYA: So You Will Have The House To Yourself  


ROXY: oh shit actually  
ROXY: can i come?  


KANAYA: You Want To Join Me To Go To The Bank And Grocery Store And Visit Karkat  


ROXY: you say it like that doesn’t sound like a fucking blast  
ROXY: but i just need a ride. i have a job interview today  
ROXY: a research assistant position at the university because i just remembered i still have a degree even if im living on your couch right now  


KANAYA: Oh Thats Wonderful  
KANAYA: Rose Will Be Incredibly Happy To Hear That  


ROXY: pfft because she wants me out of her living room?  


KANAYA: Because She Loves You And Wants The Best For You

You’re just a little caught off guard by that, because with all that happened between you two in the last few years, sometimes it’s hard to believe that your sister could reciprocate how much you care for her ever again, because you’ve already been through the works of accepting that outcome.

ROXY: d’aww  
ROXY: ok well im gonna get ready because i need to be presentable and not look like a trash mammal

It’s strange getting dressed now when you’re mind is spinning with the question of gender. And now you’re thinking that you have to dress a little different than you usually do, to really get at this thing from a new angle. Still, the button up and tie you choose aren’t the manliest designs this side of manly town, but you’re pretty sure that level of macho isn’t for you. Honestly, you don’t know if this is for you either, but it’s time to give something new a try. 

And then you’re in Kanaya’s car, in the passenger seat and you fiddle with the radio until something by The Mountain Goats comes on because the radio stations in this city are really fucking cool or something.

KANAYA: You Will Have To Join Me On One Errand Before I Drop You Off  


ROXY: no problem  
ROXY: i have a lotta time to kill anyways i was just sorta gonna wander  


KANAYA: I Like Your Tie  
KANAYA: Orange Is A Good Color On You  


ROXY: thank you!  
ROXY: hey  
ROXY: its sort of weird im wearing a tie though isnt it  


KANAYA: I Dont Know If Id Call It Weird  
KANAYA: Even Though Its Not What Id Normally Expect From You  


ROXY: well im glad it suits me  
ROXY: sort of a bold choice for a job interview but im going with it  


KANAYA: I Think You Look Very Professional  
KANAYA: And You Have Everything Prepared  


ROXY: i do! managed to get a rec letter from my old professor actually  
ROXY: sweet old broad never knew how big of a mess i was outside of class  
ROXY: cus id never show up to her class fucked up, or at least masked it good enough  


KANAYA: I Hope This Works Out For You Roxy  
KANAYA: Okay Were Here

There was probably more conversation than that, but you and Kanaya never had anything to hold a conversation with for too long, and it all blurs together until she’s pulling into the Rite Aid parking lot.

KANAYA: Can You Take The Prescription Out Of The Glove Compartment Please

It’s behind a book, because of course the Maryam-Lalonde couple keeps books in their glove boxes. The cover kinda hits different because it’s of two old timey kids wearing dresses and sort of fucking around with gender in a passive way and thats kinda cool. You don’t care to read the prescription because it’s her business, but you’re also a nosey bastard so you actually really do. And the label reads estrogen.

And now you’re thinking that the last time you picked up hormones with someone it was Dirk but ever since he drifted away from you, there weren’t a lot of friends in your life, let alone trans friends. So this isn’t a big deal, but then it is, because you’re with a very significant trans person in your life at a pharmacy picking up hormones a few hours after you had a gender mental breakdown in her bathroom that you didn’t care to narrate. Those puzzle pieces fit together a little too well for you to not have a mini version of the bathroom scene erupt in your brain. 

But you calm yourself down because you’re not alone and you can talk about those feelings out loud without having to be specific.

ROXY: so theyre pills right?  


KANAYA: Right  


ROXY: ive only ever seen the shots  
ROXY: well for testosterone not estrogen  
ROXY: i actually dont think ive seen estrogen in person  


KANAYA: Youre Welcome To Gawk At The Bottle  


ROXY: haha  
ROXY: i guess i just havent thought it through a lot  
ROXY: and so like, you have to get diagnosed or something  


KANAYA: Unfortunately, Yes.  
KANAYA: It Was A Long Process  


ROXY: and the same goes for testosterone?  


KANAYA: Yes

Maybe you sound a little more than just curious because Kanya has this look on her face like she’s trying to figure out something about you, and has a hunch what it is, but isn’t ready or comfortable to make assumptions.

ROXY: huh  


KANAYA: Something Confusing  


ROXY: no just it all seems so set in stone  
ROXY: like its so weird that you need a diagnosis that you’re this gender or that  
ROXY: and the fact that it’s a diagnosis like that its framed that you medically have to be this label or title  


KANAYA: It Is, Isnt It

You’re on a roll you didn’t wanna be on but the wheels have started turning and this locomotive has left the station. 

ROXY: that was also weird what you said before tbh  
ROXY: that i look good in this tie  
ROXY: it feels really weird to me because i dont know if ties are for me and i dont know why theyre not  
ROXY: like im almost doing something or telling myself something  
ROXY: but im missing the target by a hair and every time i keep aiming and taking my shot the target seems to move or take a different shape  
ROXY: your target just seems so tangible and real  
ROXY: like that it can have a medical diagnosis you can feel good about and pills that make you feel like the right person  
ROXY: that never seemed possible for me but now i need it to be possible and nothing is working  
ROXY: i know im not a boy but im starting to think im not so much a girl but that keeps changing so i cant be both but i have to be one and they all dont sound right

She has the pills in her hand so somewhere in that hurricane of words and nuance you can imagine she picked up her prescription, but it doesnt look like she missed a single word.

KANAYA: I Want To Talk About This But Maybe In The Car  


ROXY: right yeah

And so you’re back in the car, but haven’t started driving yet because Kanaya’s speaking now and gender complexities and driving don’t go hand in hand. And this station must fucking love The Mountain Goats because they’re still playing songs by them but you really like this one so you dont mind.

KANAYA: You Made A Few Assumptions In That Monologue  
KANAYA: For One, I Dont Consider Myself A Product Of My Diagnosis  
KANAYA: That System Is Fucked  


ROXY: get ‘em maryam  


KANAYA: I Used To Base What I Wanted To Be Off Representations Of It  
KANAYA: Femininity And Womanhood And MY Body From The Books And The Cis Women Around Me  
KANAYA: I Felt Cobbled Together But I Wasnt Confident Enough To Find My Own Meaning  
KANAYA: Because Those Examples Were Of What I Was Taught Female Meant  


ROXY: i feel like i dont even have those  
ROXY: whatever the fuck im feeling, i wish i had something to mirror to get it right, and to feel right  


KANAYA: The Things I Had To Mirror Never Felt Right To Me Roxy  
KANAYA: I Had No Clue What I Was  
KANAYA: If Im A Woman Then Why Are All These Examples Of Womanhood Not Suiting Me  
KANAYA: Which Is Around When I Found Out Thats All They Are  


ROXY: what?  
ROXY: they're all what?  


KANAYA: Examples  
KANAYA: Representations  
KANAYA: Everything I Was Looking At Was Representing Womanhood  
KANAYA: It Wasnt A Direct Look Into The True Face Of Womanhood  
KANAYA: And Then When I Looked For that  
KANAYA: I Realized It Just Doesnt Exist

God that’s a lot of information to take in. You feel like you just took a Gender Studies 101 course, but you’re the only student and your grade is based upon how unfucked you leave this Subaru Outback. And you didn’t notice how far deep your sinking into your seat.

KANAYA: Lets Step Back  


ROXY: please  


KANAYA: What Im Trying To Say  
KANAYA: Is That Your Gender Is Far More Nuanced Than A Diagnosis Or A Photograph Of A Man Or A Woman Or A Non Binary Person To Mirror  
KANAYA: And That Makes It A Lot Harder  
KANAYA: But A Lot Truer  
KANAYA: In My Experience  


ROXY: i dont even know where to start with that though  
ROXY: because sitting alone and thinking just hasnt been working  
ROXY: i have no picture or image just my thoughts  


KANAYA: Well We Can Talk  
KANAYA: If You Would Like  


ROXY: i dont know  
ROXY: im sort of afraid im just gonna ramble and vent and nothings gonna come out of it and ill just feel bad and leave you feeling underappreciated  


KANAYA: Maybe Some Structure Would Help  
KANAYA: Do You Have Different Pronouns You Like?

ROXY: yes? maybe?  
ROXY: she isnt working lately, he is just not super right  
ROXY: ive heard of they but i dont know, i just dont know yet. i dont think im ready to know yet  


KANAYA: Well Then Lets Start Like This  
KANAYA: What Makes You Happy With Roxy Lalonde?

From there you and Kanaya had quite a lot to talk about, a new experience for both of you in your interactions with each other. You don’t really feel like narrating this part either, because it’s between the two of you, and there was a lot of crying and a lot of sharing of feelings and experiences and body stuff that isn’t your place to be telling. Really, you just wanted to keep this moment quiet and between the two of you. You hope that’s okay with everyone.

**Author's Note:**

> part of a much longer fic im writing about roxy lalonde from age 8 to 28 that i will probably never finish mostly due to my discomfort with my writing capabilities


End file.
